This is how our souls die
by MiAngeliSa
Summary: tomoyo committed suicide but no one understood why... when sakura takes a hold of her diary, she learns a valuable lesson and founds out the truth, which is more than she can bear... read to find out


Disclaim: Umm...I own nothing..I know nothing..So dunt sue meh..meh ish POOOR bwhahaha

I decided to write this ficy hoping that I will finish it that's why it's a one-shot...I am however still working on the other two I posted at mediaminor...and didn't finish hehehe so I apologize for keeping you waiting

This is basically a diary of a poor suffering soul... Tomoyo always strikes me as a person who hides all her emotions and shows the world only what the world wants to see...her, always, happy face...

Btw those who read my other two ficies prolly noticed that I use too much of a/n...I just don't want anyone to get lost and bored, but don't worry ill try to keep it serious this time and avoid putting too many of my thoughts

Ja! Enjoy!

Oh and ones again I apologize for my misspelling and grammar!

**_This is how our souls die._**

Sakura was looking through her closet for a black dress, her moves sluggish, with absolutely no life in them. Shaoran was sitting on the bed already dressed in his black suit. He was watching Sakura not knowing how to comfort her.

Her pale hand touched the fabric of a bright pretty dress she once wore as a child, made by her best friend. She grabbed it in fury and fell on her knees, hiding her face in its soft material. She couldn't suppress her sobs.

Shaoran dashed to her, embracing her, soothing her. No use. She just continued to shed tears. Her small fists hitting his chest when she at last cried out through her sobs.

"Why did she do it?! Why?! Why...?"

He had no answer. He hushed her and kissed her head.

"Come on Sakura... We need to say good-bye to her..." he pushed the words out with great difficulty. After all, she was his dearest friend too. If it wasn't for her he might have never confessed to Sakura.

He helped her up, holding her close to him frightened she might faint again. He walked her to the bed.

"Go. Rest for few minutes while I will look for the dress." He began his search.

Sakura curled up with one of the stuffed animals made by Tomoyo. She attempted her hardest not to cry, but the silver tears just rolled down her pale cheeks never-endingly.

After few long still minutes the dress was found and laid down next to her. She turned her head slowly, her puffy from all the crying eyes meeting with Shaoran's gloomy ones. He ones again helped her up and she changed her clothes. On her way out she grabbed the speech list, along with the black gloves and bonnet.

Their car took them to the old cemetery where they will bid farewell to their beloved Tomoyo. As they neared it and saw the dark suites of people Sakura began to cry softly again.

It was a private funeral, only closest friends and family members were invited. The day was gloomy. The sky covered with dark heavy clouds, threatening already wet from tears people with rain.

Chilly wind caressed Sakura's damp face as she walked hand in hand with Shaoran towards the coffin, where her guardian angel laid resting. She leaned to kiss her icy and hard as stone forehead as more warm tears fell. She whispered softly. 

"Why did you leave me...?"

When it was Sakura's turn to give speech... she could only utter the poem.

"**For My Fallen Angel.**  
As I draw up my breath,  
And silver fills my eyes.  
I kiss her still,  
For she will never rise.

On my weak body,  
Lays her dying hand.  
Through those meadows of Heaven,  
Where we ran.  
  
Like a thief in the night,  
The wind blows so light.  
It wars with my tears,  
That won't dry for many years.  
  
"Loves golden arrow  
At her should have fled,  
And not Deaths ebon dart  
To strike her dead." " (these are not my words but from my favorite song "for my fallen angel" by My dying bride . its truly moving...)

After the funeral, Tomoyo's mother Sonomi came up to Sakura. She hugged her tightly and passed her daughter's diary to Sakura.

"Tomoyo-chan said to me once... 'In case something happens to me, I want Sakura-chan to have my diary.' It's as if....she was thinking of committing suicide all along... and I didn't see...anything..." She hid her face in her white handkerchief.

That same night after Shaoran fell asleep, Sakura took out Tomoyo's diary covered with black velvet from her purse, sat at her desk and began to flip through it.

One of the entries caught her attention. It was this summer... the last summer they spent together. She actually went on a vacation and came back a completely different person. Sakura cursed her self for not noticing the great change until it was too late.

"Entry #66 07/15/05

...Why does suffering comes to most, if not all of us and happiness, the true happiness, to only selected few?

Did we really commit something unforgivable in our previous lifetime to have pain, everlasting and never-ending, in the present time?

And does true happiness come with a great deed done before?

Do we really deserve what we get, or is life just the way it is? Cruel and truly unfair?

Who has the answers to all the questions of suffering humanity throughout the suffering world?

Certainly not Kami-sama... (a/n she refers here to a god any god from any religion)

Who can explain why we get only few white lines, few years, if not only one, of happiness put together throughout one's lifetime..?

Why are we born if we are meant to die in the end?

Many find answers from within themselves due to their experiences, or due to constant listening of other's long, sometimes, unimportant tales..

Some, so-called 'strong people', comfort themselves in constant lies of there's better life in the future and we shall build our lives properly according to the rules made by society topped of with some powerful and wise few.

If so, why does everyone suffer in the end?

Can't see anything good here anymore...

So tired of it all...especially of the pretences and masks I cover my self with...

Pain from every corner waiting for me like some never satisfied fiend.

I can't pretend im an optimist anymore... I don't even want to be happy... why bother? The few bleak days of happiness will end quite soon anyway, so unlike the suffer which lasts and lasts and lasts...

I don't believe anyone who says that you gotta look for better things, ironically I used to be like that my self... always telling people life is great and beautiful and we are blessed to be alive.

Now I laugh at my self and everyone who says such ridiculous words. Its nothing, but ignorance towards harsh reality. Life is a never-ending curse, no matter what we do we will die in the end.

In the end I'm all alone in my world... and even though deep down inside I hate loneliness and wish every minute to be with one and only, I will never admit it, for to me it's naught but weakness. Ill just say ill be a loner, for my chances of finding him are equal to zero, if not less...

Music calms me down and disturbs me at the same time...

It makes me happy and reminds me of my constant loneliness...

I listen to it to find at least some nonexistent comfort in the worst hours of such moments.

I cry, I weep...I cant stop myself...

I understand everything, like some have it worse and such...

Some don't even have friends or family.

Even though I have both...I cant help, but feel alone even if im with them...

It just hurts when I imagine that in the end they will never understand me. However it will be my fault alone.

It pains me to see them having someone though im not jealous! Oh no! It just reminds me of my loneliness.

Only thing that's keeping me company are my dreams..., which I all treasure, and try to keep them in my mind... for reasons I don't know...

I honestly can't wait to go into my dream world and remain in there for eternity... "

Sakura stopped reading the diary. She looked at her reflection in the small mirror, which stood upon the desk few inches away from her. She spoke to it softly.

"Can you believe it...? And I never bothered to see the real Tomoyo...How can one be so blind...? And then I called myself her best friend..."

She dropped her head on her folded arms, which rested before her, completely exhausted. Her tired eyes closed themselves slowly and she drifted into sleep.

() It was a sunny day, though the clouds have covered half of the sky. The sun was suddenly gone, but not wholly. Its bleak rays were peering from the corner of the clouds, making the sea sparkle here and there with beautiful shine.

Sakura saw a young couple catching waves, which were getting quite bigger as the wind increased gradually. Sakura's gaze shifted toward a girl that was sitting on the sand few feet away from her. The girl, who seemed to be same age as Sakura, wore a purple poncho over a bathing suit. Sakura thought for a second that she realized who the girl was, though her face was hidden in the shadow of her light brown sunhat. The girl was also watching the couple and after few seconds she turned her head and began to write something in a small book, which was covered in black velvet.

Sakura recognized it. The girl must've been Tomoyo.

Just then the girl looked up and stared directly at Sakura. It _was_ Tomoyo! Her face pale, not a hint of tan, her violet eyes miserable, slightly annoyed. She began to speak softly, and even though Sakura was a good distance away from her, she heard every word clearly, as if Tomoyo was whispering them in her ear.

"I like beautiful, somewhat cheerful, music even when im very sad... It really calms down my aching heart and soul and makes me smile..." She smiled sadly " Maybe even lets me forget my problem and loneliness for few minutes... But that's a maybe..." her eyes darkened, smile faded, and a shiver passed through Sakura body.

"I'm cold... wish someone was around to put an arm around me, hug me tightly, but gently so I could feel the love...I know if someone I love would love me back I would do everything for that person... everything and anything... if only I could find him... I would give my entire self up just for his love... But the sand is cold...a chilling wind is blowing... and I have no way out..."

Tomoyo started to fade. Sakura dashed towards her, except the more she ran, the further her friend was and the faster she was disappearing. She saw that Tomoyo was saying something else to her, however the wind became fierce and Sakura failed to hear the last words. ()

She woke up crying... The watch on her hand told her it was only 4 am. Shaoran was sound asleep on the bed. She closed the diary, kissed it softly and held closer to her heart. And then out of nowhere somewhere behind her she heard a soft whisper.

"This is how our souls die...take great care of your happiness ...it never lasts."

She repeated it like a prayer. Soon after, she was asleep on the bed in the arms of her lover, understanding that she should treasure every moment spent with everyone who is dear to her...perhaps, her one greatest remorse was that she failed to show her friend how much she cared.

A warm breeze blew over the many flowers, which lay on the grave, taking its petals with it to the eternity of the sky. The pale moonlight shone on the stone.

Angel In The Woods

Lily-like, white as snow,

She hardly knew she was a woman,

So sweetly she grew.

Coffin board, heavy stone lie on her breast.

I vex my heart alone.

She is at rest.

Tomoyo Daidoji

Born: July 9th, 1987

Died: October 9th, 2005

A/n: Depressing isn't it? I don't know...I was just sad one day and thought of all this junk...and then I decided to use Tomoyo as a perfect example of a person who was afraid to show who she really was and wore all those masks, but eventually broke down one day, unable to bear anything anymore... its important that we don't close up all our emotions and pain within us b/c we will die...spiritually if not physically...b/c I think that's how our souls die.

But enough of sad shit... I just had to get this out of my system, now I gotta work on my other ficies.

Oh and just for the record...I used my b/d date b/c I just don't have time to sit and research Tomoyo's. so she was basically 18 when she died. And if anyone is confused sakura and shao-kun live together and were about to get married.

Thank you all

Luv,

Lilith


End file.
